I went back to Yorkshire for the weekend, on my return I found this note in my room. Turned out “the crazy American” – whom I’ve never met – had slept in my room.

By all accounts I was relieved to have been away. She sounded quite a handful, my friends and sister all ended up and a very dodgy Belle & Sebastian disco in Salford… or something.

She is from a town in the mid-west called “Normal” and thinks that the Trafford Centre is the biggest mall in the world.

Excellent!